Crying has always been a release from me. More accurately it's been an automatic release that's often left me wondering, "why am I crying?" It's something I've never completely understood. I know my emotions and hormones play a part.

I don't break out in sobs and fits all the time in front of those around me. No, it's mostly private tears that just come and go. My tears are saved for those closest to me… usually. There have been a few extremely uncomfortable moments when I cried in front of someone when I should have held it together.

All ranges of emotion from frustration to joy bring on the tears. I admit in 30 seconds the waterworks are triggered by sappy commercials. All of this embarrasses and annoys me 8 out of 10 times.

But, 2 out of 10 times I welcome the tears as they are the release I need to move on in whatever process my heart and mind are experiencing. I didn't realize how much I actually need those times, those tears, until these last few weeks.

I don't even remember the last time I was able to cry when I needed a release. Oh wait, there was one time I felt the tears coming on and actually focused on them to make them fall.

I found myself recently with the urge to cry but no tears came and I literally felt my body just give up on what has been my natural release.

A lot has happened in my life over the past two years. I wouldn't say it's any more than any other person. It's just been a lot for me. From a not-too-easy pregnancy, to a birth that barely happened with a doctor in the room, to new mommyhood, to breastfeeding, to hormones, to learning again how to be a wife and mother to my stepsons with a new baby, to hormones, to going back to work full-time, to switching jobs, to my baby 1st high fever of many, to my husband leaving the TV business for teaching, to moving, to ending up living with the in-laws… it's been a lot.

I think I may have finally reached a point over the last few weeks where all of life and reality has caught up to me. And I've found it to be too exhausting to cry.

I don't have a thing to complain about… okay, well that's just me trying to take the high road. Even those complaints I do have I know in the grand scheme of life they are little and not worthy of much of my energy which I so desperately need in all other aspects of my life.

I need to save my energy just to cry… it's just a part of me, of who I am.